There is something unsettling about being the new kid on the block. I have some deep seated fear of being wrong, or different or standing out – in a bad way. When I was a kid I would worry that maybe school really didn’t start today or maybe the clocks really didn’t go back or forward over the weekend and I would be late or I was wearing the wrong uniform ( in our Catholic elementary and high school, there were different uniforms for different times of the year ). I am sure that I could provide hours of analysis for some very bored psychologist or psychiatrist – and we haven’t even brought up the fear of dying by suffocation, yet.
Anyway, I must preface this with the fact that I have met some very welcoming people and made some very wonderful friends since we moved, but I still can feel like an outsider. How long does it take for one to feel that they “fit” in? I was invited to a home party event this evening and there were familiar faces and everyone, even the unfamiliar were extremely friendly, but when people start talking about “so and so” or “this family” or “that person”, I can feel very, very out of the loop. I don’t know who they are talking about, I cannot share in their amusement or astonishment or concern or anger. I have no idea and certainly no right to judge or even comment on that which I don’t know. So, I sit. Quietly. I take it all in, smile when appropriate, nod when necessary and wonder to myself – when will I be one of “them”? One who will know exactly who Jane Doe is when they mention her name and how wonderful she is at this or how sad it is that she is no longer doing that? With each new journey in life, there are challenges and for me, this is one of them. I guess that deep down, I need to feel like I belong – again, a psychotherapist’s dream, I am sure – and while I am working on it and I have some truly wonderful people to help me along the way, I am not there yet. It is hard to walk away from the comfort of knowing mostly everyone and everything – something that I just felt like I had accomplished after 15 years of living in the same town in NJ – familiar faces in church, in the grocery store, at the school. I guess that here I am so much more fortunate, as these people welcome you with open arms, open doors and open hearts. Different from NJ, better. I just have to get over my own insecurities and realize that making friends and acquaintances is a lifelong project, not something to be mastered quickly.
Happenings on the Hill 
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July 9, 2009 at 8:32 am
Uncle Lou
Yo Tamster,
Did you ever hear the famous quote ” Familiarity breeds contempt”. I can understand your desire to fit in and be one of “the in crowd” what ever that may be. I had a serious problem with this growing up, not only did I desire to be “in” but my mother had an immense desire for me to be one of the “chosen in the know”. It took years for me to realize that fitting into a group is not something to force and often the desire to join a group is often the wrong reason. “I would never join a group that would have me as a member” is another quote I choose to follow.
If you relax and be you and have confidence in your skills and abilities, the group will interact with you on your terms. Of course certain members of the group will gossip and talk and surmise. So what, “you can’t please all the people all the time”. For those situations “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” is a choice. You will always be a part of Our group and fit in to our family.
July 10, 2009 at 5:49 am
ptcakes
Uncle Lou hits a bull’s eye once again.
July 10, 2009 at 8:11 am
tracy
Of course Uncle Lou is right, but as another newcomer I know exactly how you feel. It’s not so much “fitting in” as it is “belonging,” which seems like the same thing but is very different. It’s not that you want to conform to the crowd, just that you want to feel like you’re at home here. And as long as you have no clue what people are talking about, you don’t feel at home.
Which is why, I guess, I feel most at home with the other folks who’ve imported themselves here. But even then most everyone knows more people than I do, given the fact that I work at home (as you do) and my husband works at home (as Tom does).
All of which is to say that I’m with you! Settling into a new place takes years, I think. And it’s harder when you’re an adult, because you don’t see your friends daily like our kids do at school. Even when you want to get to know someone better, you have to work around work and kids’ schedules and household chores and gardening and blogging/writing … so it’s hard to get together. Just think, there hasn’t been a ladies’ night out in a long time! Maybe we need to remedy that.
July 10, 2009 at 8:22 am
tammyheff
Yes, Uncle Lou knows me well, we have been friends for a very, very long time but you have the feeling too. You are right, it is not being with the ‘in’ crowd, just knowing what the heck is going on sometimes is all I ask. I do think that we need a ladies’ night out, let’s try and work on that!
July 10, 2009 at 8:56 am
Uncle Lou
I agree with the ladies 100%. I believe that the girls are feeling something a little different that just fitting in.
Fitting in and becoming part of the communities “inner circle” the people who know what is going on at all times, know all the rumors and secrets. If you ask an “old Time Vermonter” how long before you fit in, they usually joke and say two or three generations, “if they don’t snap back never, flatlander”
What you are running into at this point is the same feelings that every immigrant or “imported” person feels when they more to a different location of language, culture, or lifestyle. The standoffishness and fear of the locals and the desire to fit in. This is why every city has ethic areas, “German town”, “little Italy” Ect. They new comers in an area tend to congregate to people like them, same background, knowledge, work ethic. There they socialize and interact with others and tackle the challenges of fitting into the larger community together, this is the grand design of “The melting pot” system of immigration.
To make matters worse and increase the lonely feeling and lack of fitting in, both Tracy and Tammy and their spouses have a self imposed prison of working at home. Between living in rural area and working at home I think the prisoners at Gitmo have more interaction with the world beyond their yard. Vermont is a farming state, founded on unity and community, helping get the crops in tending others animals during a storm or illness, barn socials, ect. There might be a little distrust (or jealousy) of somebody who never leaves there home yet is able to survive and thrive, through the magic of the internet. I am not saying that you two should knock out a few teeth, put on your “daisy dukes” and rubber boots and hang with the “barn babes” down the hill.
But a girls night between like minds might be a good idea. Enjoy and have a LI ice tea for me…