Last night I came back from a meeting I hosted feeling particularly hurt for a number of reasons including the fact that as hard as I sometimes try, I just feel like I don’t fit in. Kind of amusing that a woman 44 (almost 45) years old feels as if she doesn’t belong. But I didn’t. I tried with this group going in and now going out, I still feel like an outsider. Not for lack of trying, but that doesn’t really help me feel any better. It is hard to explain to anyone without sounding like a dope and a sap, but I have a need to belong. I was never one of the “in crowd” (whatever that is) when I was in school so I always felt like I lived on the outskirts of everything. I guess that I need deep down to feel that if I drop dead tomorrow, someone would miss me. Well, more than just one person but that I have some type of impact on this world. On the people I call my friends and colleagues and acquaintances. That I might be missed at a gathering or something like that. I know, sappy and sad. But true. At that meeting I felt that if I wasn’t there or was there, really I had no impact, I a lot of times feel like I am meant to be the side dish, the appetizer, the aside and never the focus. Not that I want spotlights and songs. Just a feeling that I belong and am near and dear to those around me.
Tom tried desperately to make me feel better because he above everyone else, knew just how bad I felt. But even he doesn’t really get it. Now, I have to admit it is even harder with moving. A whole new group to try to fit into….or maybe I don’t have to. Tonight we went to the boys’ former school for the play since we were invited and around. It was really nice to chat with some of the moms that I have spent most of the last 10 years around. Kind of a coming home. I know the boys were happy to see friends that they haven’t seen. So, I guess that I make a difference to some people and I guess that I make a difference to those that really matter, so I shouldn’t obsess. My boys all brought me the cutest little gifts yesterday when they went shopping with their grandparents. So, apart from my inner psychosis, I guess that I have what is really important in my life, don’t I?